Foolishness

Growing up, I always considered the accusation of naivety to be one of the worst insults, but now I am having second thoughts. Perhaps life without a little naivety isn't really lived. If we would always follow logic, how could we experience all those things that take a leap of faith? Life is full of risks, and to take them we need hope - which is nothing but believing in a long shot.

Living is believing, trusting people, taking chances, surrendering to love, chasing dreams. In life, we'd better all be fools.

When you're out of sight

Under this national rain cloud
I'm getting soaked to the skin
Trying to find my umbrella
But I don't know where to begin

And it's simply irrational weather
Can't even hear myself think
Constantly bailing out water
But still feel like I'm gonna sink

'Cause I'm under the weather
Just like the world
And I need somebody to hold
When I turn out the light
You're out of sight
Although I know that I'm not alone
Feels like home

- "Under the Weather", KT Tunstall

This song reminds me of those days that are tough without a reason. Days during which I feel a little sad, a bit insecure, somewhat 'under the weather' - emotionally speaking. I take it we all have days like that. Personally I've noticed this feeling is often accompanied by a rather desperate need of acknowledgement and attention. I know there are plenty of people who are there for me, but I'd just like a little proof - right at that very moment.

But when I'm feeling down it's hard to chase off the sense of loneliness. Nobody starts a conversation with me. I look at my phone but I can't make it ring. People's replies seem short-spoken somehow. Are they starting to dislike me? Have they noticed how I need their kindness and care, how pathetic I really am? I can't help but to think it.

"Hey, d'you still like me a bit?"

Of course the last thing you should do is beg for it. But an itch demands a scratch. "Why wouldn't I?", he asks. As casually as possible I reply I'm just checking. The concise judgement; "Well, I still like you."

Right. Let me explain, men and other rational creatures, what the secret message behind the phrase "Just checking" is in this particular situation. It means, I need you to tell me that you miss me, that you wish I was in love with you, that I'm important to you, that you want to cuddle me, and that I have no reason whatsoever to doubt that you will always be there for me. Something heartwarming. It has all been said before, but I need to hear it now.

Friends, suitors, drinking buddy with your flattering text messages in the middle of your drunken night... will you be merciful and give me a kind word today?

Butterflies

Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn't all you thought it was. A beautiful girl walked into your life. You fell in love. Or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity. - Henry Bromell

The butterflies of infatuation can be deceiving little rascals. I am tempted to believe it is the only way I've known them so far. If love is blind, having a crush on someone is losing your senses completely - making me feel very much impressed about someone who's really not that wonderful at all, but actually rather plain, or worse. And I can only see it afterwards, at which point I thank the heavens above for being completely unable to seduce men at the snap of my fingers.

I dislike being unsettled in such a way. To me, this thing we call 'falling in love' (for lack of a better expression) is meaningless and silly, consumes all my attention, and always seems to be heading for disappointment. At one point I just had enough. Well, it wasn't the first time I realized that, but suddenly something odd happened. It stopped.

I have to admit that being in control of my butterflies is great in many respects. But it also gives rise to a somewhat peculiar situation; feeling deep affection for someone but not being 'in love'. Everything is like it's supposed to be, but the feeling is different. Not less than what it should be, just different. Why don't I just fall in love, you ask. And I wish I could be completely deluded, as blind as a bat again.

Nothing beats losing

Often it's hard to fully realize what you have until you lose it. As long as life is going smoothly you're never forced to stop and think about it, but when life gets tough you remember how easy it used to be. I try to realize how lucky I am, though, to appreciate the good things that come across my path. But nothing beats losing.

Something good was there for the taking, but I was not quite sure if I wanted it. So I doubted, and postponed making a decision. But right after the very moment I did decide to go for the gold, it all started to fall apart. I did decide, didn't I, or is that just what it seems like in retrospective? At times I only want something when I am about to lose the possibility of gaining it, as I see the last bit of light peeping through the closing door.What is beyond my reach attracts me more; the pattern repeats itself.

Life can be unyielding. You struggle with it, you try to bend it your way, but it just won't. As if everything is conspiring against you. Some believe that when you really want something, life will help you get it. At the moment it feels like the opposite is true.

I can't have it, so I want it back. Maybe that doesn't classify as real desire.

An open book

A few days ago I met a man who knew all kinds of things about me. We had never talked before, but simply by interpreting my body language he was able to pinpoint my key character traits. I knew myself quite well, he said. If I tried my best I could really get somewhere. Then he pointed to some boys and a young woman near by and told me what the differences were between myself and those people. "You are happier than most people here in this pub," he said, "why is that?"

The whole conversation was quite remarkable, and it would have been creepy if I wouldn't have felt like I'd known him for ages. This man wasn't some obscure oddball. In fact, he was a rather imposing big black man who'd been a high-up in some company, before quiting his job eight months ago to become a stay-at-home dad. "Reading" people had been very important in his former function, he explained. I was amazed all the same.

Perhaps we are less mysterious to the outside world than we tend to think; we communicate subconsciously by sending out all sorts of non-verbal signals. But few of us are able to pick up these signs in such an effective manner.

The evolution of consciousness

Usually, though not always, complex things develop out of simple things. Some branches of life developed a nervous system, then a brain, and at some point some brains were complex enough to develop the notion of an inner world. They were able to process more information than necessary for their survival. The increased chance of survival would have been the cause for their increased brain capacity. To be able to answer the question “How do I get my next meal?” in the best way possible is very useful in surviving. And surviving means that the genes responsible for those superb problem-solving skills have a chance to be passed on to the next generation.

But being able to ask yourself “Who am I?” and “What is this consciousness thing anyway?” does not increase your chance of survival. Seen from the perspective of evolution, this form of reflective thought is an utterly useless byproduct of the complex brain. Yet we cannot help but to seek answers to our questions. To solve problems is in our genes, it has always been rewarded. In need of answers, we developed our philosophies, religions, and indeed science. I am not trying to say that these, and many other products of the human mind - tradition, art, modern society - are meaningless or redundant. They are unique and valuable. What we tend to forget is that worth is a subjective, human notion.

Evolution is just simple logic; the organisms best fit for survival and reproduction pass on the genes that made them that way. There is nothing valuable about natural selection, no good or bad results, no direction. Just logic. Therefore, I will not assert that finding your next meal is more important than finding the answer to the question of what consciousness is all about. Just that the success rate is higher.

Buddha and Dylan

According to an important Buddhist scripure, the Dhammapada, on one occasion the Buddha spoke: "Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think."

Twenty-five hundred years later, in a 2005 interview on US newsmagazine 60 Minutes, Bob Dylan said: "The picture you have in your mind of what you're about, will come true."

In many ways, people from different countries, cultures, and times think very much alike.

Blog no. 2

As from today, Silence has a baby sister. This doesn't mean that Silence is coming to an end of course, there is simply a difference in the style and choice of subjects between the two blogs. Getjilp ('chirping') will be less philosophical, more down-to-earth - hence the grass - and written in Dutch. Anyone is welcome to read and comment.

Waves

The last few months I have been following my first philosophy class, on theories of consciousness in Eastern and Western thought. In order to define the essence of consciousness, many questions need answering, such as:

• What is the relationship of consciousness to thought?
• Can consciousness itself ever be known?
• Does consciousness mirror reality, or does it create reality?
• Where and how does consciousness arise?
• What is a person, how is the self related to consciousness?

At the end of the course I wrote an essay regarding my own point of view on the subject. The thing is, I have only a very vague opinion about the subject, and personally I don't mind keeping it that way. My answer to the questions above have little meaning, since there are numerous other explanations as valid as mine. But as I was writing the essay, I did form a theory about consciousness and the self. I used the metaphor of an ocean to describe what consciousness might be like (it was only afterwards that I stumbled on similar, though not identical metaphors on the internet) and I noticed that this image gave rise to some interesting ideas. Just a little thought experiment - the following is an excerpt from my essay.

What is the relationship of consciousness to thought? Descartes and others thought that consciousness underlies thought, as if it is the stage on which plays are performed. But perhaps thought does not need to occur on a substrate. I am more inclined to agree with the so-called mosaic model, the view that consciousness does not differ from thought, but instead is built up of thought. Without thought, there would be no consciousness at all. I must add, however, that I do believe one can be conscious without consciously thinking - the concept of consciousness must include a state of no-thought. In such a state, there is no complete absence of thought, but one would not experience actual individual ideas and emotions. Thought would be undifferentiated and calm, as an ocean without waves.

In investigating the true nature of consciousness, one of the first questions that should be posed is whether it is even possible to succeed in this aim or not - a question related to the one I have brought up in the introduction of this paper. If consciousness underlies thought, how can one know it? Knowing is an ability of the mind, which would be absent during the state of pure consciousness. The stage would be empty, the actors no longer present to contemplate what is beneath their feet. However, if we assume that consciousness is the sum of all thoughts (conscious and subconscious), the question is wether or not knowing can know itself. I will not set this possibility aside, but it would require thought to be like the still ocean. As there would be no active thoughts one could only know one’s pure consciousness subconsciously. When we think about ourselves, we think about the waves breaking on the shore. This is only a small part of our self, of the consciousness that we are, but it is the only part that we consciously know.

In this metaphor of consciousness, conscious thought is symbolized by waves breaking on the shore. Reality itself is the cause of these waves at the edge of our consciousness, and influences their behavior. One could say that this narrow strip of active consciousness mirrors reality, but it does not directly observe it. Reality stretches out far beyond the coast, to lands the ocean will never be able to conquer.

I don't need anyone, part 2

We are lucky in many ways, and we know it. Of course we know it. But isn't it hard to really feel it? The gratitude. In the words of Aldous Huxley, most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. Most of us have never been crippled, or blind, or deaf. When we were young our parents told us to clean our plates, because "the poor orphans in Africa have nothing to eat at all". Broccoli! Spinach! They'd be over the moon.

On the one hand one could say we don't compare ourselves to other people enough because in general we don't seem to realize how lucky we are. On the other hand we compare ourselves to others way too much. Often I feel it's not enough to be good. If I would get, say, a 60% score on a test, the score of the other participants would matter to me. If everybody else fails with very low scores I'd feel lucky to have passed. If the majority gets much higher scores than me, I'd feel dissapointed. I don't just want to be good enough. I want to be better. Why?

I've also noticed that whatever is beyond my reach attracts me more. For some reason, sometimes it's not enough to have one good thing if the next thing is out of reach. Sometimes it even feels bad if I can't have something I don't want in the first place. Sometimes I just want to have what they have. To have something that satisfies their standards, not just mine. Sometimes I want to impress people who's opinion doesn't really matter. And sometimes I'm just jealous. I am deeply ashamed to admit it, but those are my weaknesses. Hold it against me if you want.

I see what I have. I see which choices are right for me and what I ought to want. I know it... but sometimes I just don't feel it. I guess I do have my disadvantages after all.